Welcome to the club

In the past one or two weeks alone (fine, two) that’s passed since I last updated my blog, I had high expectations, got those hopes screwed (simply by circumstance, not my fault), been on hormonal frenzies by losing my apetite, getting it back and having cravings like a pregnant woman, reached a whole new level of self awareness, which includes fully understanding what a devilish charlatan I really am. Most importantly noticeably, I’ve realised how much I’ve changed.

Now I know people always say you grow more into yourself as you grow older (actually, Oprah says that), and once you graduate high school you step into this whole new dimension of being ‘you’ (Oh god, am I really saying all of this?). I saw a rerun of Spiderman on AXN the other day, there was one part where Uncle Ben tells Peter (not verbatim), “This is the time in your life that will determine what kind of man you will be in the future”. Holy cow, is that’s true, I’ve had some pretty big revelations. And holy cow, what a person I’m gonna be.

I’ve only gotten “You’ve changed a lot” once from people I used to go to school with and haven’t seen in years, but I sense that I have changed drastically in a short period of time, simply through the way people now interact with me, and the way I consciously think. If you know me at all, you’ll know this is not a ‘wallflower turns into the belle’ case at all, I’ve always been, well, the belle. Or one of them. I could go into the specifics of what’s changed, but hey, why the hassle?

Changes I’m grateful for? I feel more empowered. In other words, I’m more sure of what strengths I have and I’m getting stronger ideas of how to use it to benefit me. And kiddies, I’m not talking about ‘doing law because I debate well’. A lot of what I feel are my strengths I’m going to keep experimenting with and playing on, and I’m sure it’s going to completely change the way I live my life and have relationships with people. It’s going to become a more integral part of me and the way I look at myself, but hey, I’m 17, I’m allowed to still ‘be getting there’.

I’m also now comfortable with the fact I will never be the ‘nice’ one. It doesn’t mean I’ll be the cruel one. It means I’ve found a dynamic balance between really caring and faking empathy
(which gets harder every day). Or just not giving a fuck.

On a personal update, I got the wish that I made on the 8th of December 2006 granted. I wanted to meet new people and make new friends. And boy have I. It’s good and refreshing. The fact that I relate more to people elder to me is more prevalent now than ever.

Have a good year, whatever good means to you. If you’re 17 and still full of drama, stay a way from me. I lost that bug when I was 14. If you’re 21 and living the life of your dreams complete with elating successes and bone crushing defeats, know that I want your life. If you’re 20-something and obsessed with me, you should know the truth is I think you’re just a piece of meat. If you’re 40 and feeling a little less pathetic, you’re finally worth the plot of land that you stand on.

If you’re still a little lost, and a little sure, but not quite there yet, join hands and start praying that you’re not the one telling the cripple in front to hurry up and Satan to get back in line.

Happy New Year.